Trapped Awake

Know what it’s like to be trapped awake?

For days on end, hallucinate.

An immense strain upon the body

No falling asleep instead passing out

So damned exhausted one can’t count

Thoughts so jumbled as one mumbles

Can’t make sense of one’s own mind

Speaking to oneself, in search of a sign

Paranoid by now, covering all tracks

Forgetting by this time that sleep one so lacks

Skinned Sin

written by: heidi chester

Here you are, down on your knees again.
Crawling and bleeding and ripping skin.
You're dying but trying to breathe again.
But you’re smothered and covered, soaked in your sin.

You're pleading and screaming all apologies.
Your chanting becomes ranting and makes no sense to me. 
While you're reaching your screeching at me to see-
That it isn't yours, there is no you, there is only me.
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Here I am, down on my knees again.
Crawling and bleeding and shredding skin.
I'm dying but trying to breathe again.
Drowning and sinking inside my sin.

There is no you, there is no me, there is nothing here. 
There is no love, there is no hate, there is no fear.
Just silent screams, and empty dreams for no one to hear,
Bloody tears, no memories, souls far from clear.

Here we are, down on our knees again.
Sinking, no wallowing inside our sins.
We're crawling and bleeding just to breathe again.
Locked inside ourselves, in this private hell, stuck inside our skin.

Here we are down on our knees again...

Losing Something

Have you ever felt like you were losing your mind? this is not the standard but instead a deep concentration centralized around my own inability to understand the panic that seems to be growing more terrifying as the days progress.  At first I just felt as though I was overly stressed.  That seems appropriate; it makes sense.  

I began to feel increasingly agitated and angry when I realize I can not remember events as they’ve happened.  I instead only retain a memory that is misplaced, and wrong.  I often catch myself with my hands in my hair thinking, about what I don’t know.  

I just know that I have to find something.  Something that I know I will never get.  Most bizarre of all I’m not even sure what it is that I am hoping to acquire.  It doesn’t make sense but I can’t figure it out.  

Why does this something weigh so heavily on my thoughts?  I have to break free of this vessel that I am bound.  I need myself to leave me.  However that is possible.  Again, I find myself holding my head in deep concentration.  You should speak to me when I’m like this.  I feel like something would happen, I’m not sure what.  

I know that I can’t think anymore about anything but whatever this is.  It’s going to be okay because we always figure it out.  I just need to stop fighting and listen.  I always seem to figure it out; that makes sense.  I 

was awake the other day and realized it was not right.  I was searching and knew not what for.  I was yelling at two days.  I know that doesn’t make sense but it does.  

It has to because I don’t know.  

I’m walking in the grass but it’s sand and it makes me feel like two decks of cards with only the cards in the yellow pieces.  Tonight Is tomorrow and yesterday never happened. I know that I will walk for six blocks and be okay.  

My night is upset because of the stars, they don’t care anyway.   I have to urge myself to continue before I forget that I didn’t.  

I can’t remember something but I know that we will remember when I remember that I can’t play.  

Hope that you enjoyed this...a stray from the norm however felt more like free writing and just putting up whatever came out.  Thanks.